Tiffany Phan - Pre-Med Prodigy and Tiger Parent Wet Dream

Hey you dumb fuck!

My name is Tiffany, I’m a 14 year-old undergraduate student who is majoring in Neuroscience and on the pre-med track. I started my pre-med journey from the womb where I gave my mother her very own C-section. I have continued to pursue healthcare ever since, building prosthetic arms for disabled children ever since I was 5 and publishing 19 articles under The New England Journal of Medicine. Oh, did I mention that I also am an International Chess Grandmaster? Fun fact! Another fun fact is that you’re stupid as shit so don’t ever bother trying!

Generic Ass Company - Don't ask us how many Title IX cases we have.

Sup loser,

Alright, let’s get real. I don’t care how you’re doing and we both know you’re not being paid enough to request that kind of attention anyway hm? Look, if you give us 20 years of your life to file away papers in cabinets or whatever we’ll pay you juuuust enough for you to afford ibuprofen. You can take it or leave it, but we both know your lifestyle of wearing the same instant-ramen stained hoodie for 3 days in a row because you can’t afford to do laundry isn’t really working out, now is it?

University of California, Lacking Ability - Get an MS for Money Squandered

Hello there,

Your profile caught our eye, we think you’d be an excellent fit for our program… PSYCH! Haha, did you really think we were being serious? Nah, we just want you to apply so we can reject you and take your application fees. Don’t even fucking bother, it’s not like you’re going to make money studying for 4 more years about lizards in swamps or medieval literature or some shit like that. You’re just applying to grad school so you can avoid joining the work force anyways like the lazy bozo you are. And we’re here to exploit that.